Courtesy of my friend and colleague, Pam Semmler, LPC, my Denver office location is now a beautiful and cozy space!  This Denver counseling office is conveniently located off I-25 and Washington Street.  

I have been sharing this link with many of my clients.  

Brene Brown, an incredibly entertaining and captivating speaker, touches on the concept that in order for us to have the close, loving relationships we desire, we have to be willing to be vulnerable with each other.  

This is not a simple thing to do, and is often scary.  When couples are in distress, it can be incredibly frightening to open up and be vulnerable again, especially if the relationship experienced a betrayal or trauma.  

Seeking out a couples therapist, particularly one trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy as I am, can be an important step in working back to the closeness and intimacy you desire in your relationship.  www.MarriageCounselinginDenver.com

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I've moved! My new Denver Tech Counseling office is 
7000 E. Belleview Ave.
Suite 350
Greenwood Village, CO 80111

Denver Tech Center Counseling Office

Comfortable, inviting therapeutic environment

Beautiful, inspiring views from counseling office

The silent treatment isn't usually very silent, is it?  Whether it's the slamming of doors, the rolling of eyes, the tears, or the angry body language, the silent treatment actually speaks volumes.  A person may fall into this pitfall of relationship "communication" out of sheer desperation. 

And yet, what they likely want most at that point isn't usually silence in return from their partner or to avoid the issue.  What they usually want is for it to stop hurting.  The difficulty with the silent treatment is that the underlying problem lingers, probably festers, and a person may be causing additional harm to their marriage or relationship when they do it.
 
How do you stop getting into the Silent Treatment cycle? 

If you are the one doling out the silent treatment, spend some time thinking about your deepest feelings at that moment and what it is you really want your partner to do.  If you feel your partner is blaming, nagging or criticizing you, what usually happens when you go into silence?  Very often, a partner receiving silence will only try and push harder to get their needs met.  They more they push, the more you might retreat.  Couples can truly get stuck in this painful pattern of retreat and pursuit, which they were likely trying to avoid in the first place. Try telling your partner that it is really hard for you when they continually try to engage or argue with you.  Tell them you need a little time to think and will come back to talk about it soon.  Then, follow through so they know they can count on you not to just disappear.

If you are receiving the silent treatment, try to identify your underlying feelings.  Most likely, you are experiencing a great deal of anxiety and fear about not reaching your partner, and sadness or hurt at their apparent lack of response to your needs.  Before you continue to pursue, plead or yell at your partner, ask yourself what usually happens when you do so?  Chances are, your partner will typically pull even further into their silence, like a turtle into its shell.  Try softening your approach, and be prepared to listen and honor their request for a little space.

To learn more about how to get out of the cylce of this and other unhelpful relationship habits we tend to develop, contact me today for a couples counseling session.  www.marriagecounselingindenver.com or 303-513-8975.

I have heard that it takes the average couple 6 years to get into therapy from the time that they first began having concerns.  To me, that seems a really long time to suffer and feel alone in a relationship.  More importantly, is it possible to wait too long for couples therapy and pass a point of no return?

I believe the answer is yes.  John Gottman, considered an expert in the field of marriage and relationship research, has described traits of relationships that indicate they are in serious trouble.  He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  These traits may occur sporadically in most relationships and do not, on their own, indicate a failing relationship.  But, when they begin to persist and occur more frequently, relationship quality suffers. 

Gottman's research shows that contempt, in particular, is highly indicative of likely divorce or breakup.  When we have waited to long to get help, and our hurt feelings have festered, we can fall into a pattern of contempt.  When there is contempt, partners are also less likely to believe their partner cares about them.  Sue Johnson's research on Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy indicates that a partner's belief (particularly the female partner) that the other person cares about them indicates a higher likelihood that therapy will be successful.  If we can agree to get help and do it before contempt sets in and before we lose hope that our partners care about us, we are much more likely to succeed in couples therapy.

If your partner is hesitant, one way to couch the idea of counseling could be to tell them that you see couples counseling as a way to enhance your relationship, or even as a form of "insurance" for a good relationship.  Call me today at 303-513-8975 or visit www.marriagecounselingindenver.com to get your relationship back on track before things get ugly and your hear those horsemen coming.

I am trained in a highly effective method of couples counseling called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). This approach is an empirically validated theory, meaning lots of rigorous research has gone into studying its efficacy.  A recent meta-analysis of the studies on EFT has shown that 70-73% of couples move out of a "distressed" state and 90% experienced significant improvement. 

EFT is considered a brief form of therapy, with most couples completing the process in 15-30 sessions.  EFT helps couples build deep understanding of one another's emotiional experience in the relationship, identify and change their patterns of interaction, and develop deep and meaningful bonds characterized by closeness and safety.

Participants in EFT often describe the process as powerful, life-changing and significantly improving their relationship satisfaction. To learn more about couples counseling with a therapist trained in EFT, give me a call today at 303-513-8975 or visit http://www.marriagecounselingindenver.com/