The silent treatment isn't usually very silent, is it?  Whether it's the slamming of doors, the rolling of eyes, the tears, or the angry body language, the silent treatment actually speaks volumes.  A person may fall into this pitfall of relationship "communication" out of sheer desperation. 

And yet, what they likely want most at that point isn't usually silence in return from their partner or to avoid the issue.  What they usually want is for it to stop hurting.  The difficulty with the silent treatment is that the underlying problem lingers, probably festers, and a person may be causing additional harm to their marriage or relationship when they do it.
 
How do you stop getting into the Silent Treatment cycle? 

If you are the one doling out the silent treatment, spend some time thinking about your deepest feelings at that moment and what it is you really want your partner to do.  If you feel your partner is blaming, nagging or criticizing you, what usually happens when you go into silence?  Very often, a partner receiving silence will only try and push harder to get their needs met.  They more they push, the more you might retreat.  Couples can truly get stuck in this painful pattern of retreat and pursuit, which they were likely trying to avoid in the first place. Try telling your partner that it is really hard for you when they continually try to engage or argue with you.  Tell them you need a little time to think and will come back to talk about it soon.  Then, follow through so they know they can count on you not to just disappear.

If you are receiving the silent treatment, try to identify your underlying feelings.  Most likely, you are experiencing a great deal of anxiety and fear about not reaching your partner, and sadness or hurt at their apparent lack of response to your needs.  Before you continue to pursue, plead or yell at your partner, ask yourself what usually happens when you do so?  Chances are, your partner will typically pull even further into their silence, like a turtle into its shell.  Try softening your approach, and be prepared to listen and honor their request for a little space.

To learn more about how to get out of the cylce of this and other unhelpful relationship habits we tend to develop, contact me today for a couples counseling session.  www.marriagecounselingindenver.com or 303-513-8975.

I have heard that it takes the average couple 6 years to get into therapy from the time that they first began having concerns.  To me, that seems a really long time to suffer and feel alone in a relationship.  More importantly, is it possible to wait too long for couples therapy and pass a point of no return?

I believe the answer is yes.  John Gottman, considered an expert in the field of marriage and relationship research, has described traits of relationships that indicate they are in serious trouble.  He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  These traits may occur sporadically in most relationships and do not, on their own, indicate a failing relationship.  But, when they begin to persist and occur more frequently, relationship quality suffers. 

Gottman's research shows that contempt, in particular, is highly indicative of likely divorce or breakup.  When we have waited to long to get help, and our hurt feelings have festered, we can fall into a pattern of contempt.  When there is contempt, partners are also less likely to believe their partner cares about them.  Sue Johnson's research on Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy indicates that a partner's belief (particularly the female partner) that the other person cares about them indicates a higher likelihood that therapy will be successful.  If we can agree to get help and do it before contempt sets in and before we lose hope that our partners care about us, we are much more likely to succeed in couples therapy.

If your partner is hesitant, one way to couch the idea of counseling could be to tell them that you see couples counseling as a way to enhance your relationship, or even as a form of "insurance" for a good relationship.  Call me today at 303-513-8975 or visit www.marriagecounselingindenver.com to get your relationship back on track before things get ugly and your hear those horsemen coming.