If you are not among the lucky few who are blessed with babies that actually sleep at night, sleep deprivation is going to be an issue for a while. As any new parent can probably tell you, there's a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a torture method. In addition to being debilitating in other ways, sleep deprivation can deliver a serious blow to a couple’s sex after baby.

It is pretty difficult to feel sexy or desire sex when you are sleep deprived. If one or both partners are fighting sleep deprivation, make sure you’re addressing this. Trade off night time feedings. Have a grandparent help or hire a night nanny for a few nights. Find ways to give each other naps. Take the baby away from the home so the napping parent can really catch up on needed rest. Chances are, you're much more likely to find the time to have sex if you aren't walking around sleep deprived or falling asleep at 8:00 PM every night.  

It’s not. A satisfying sex life consists of all *five pillars of intimacy: Affection, sensuality, playfulness, eroticism & finally, intercourse.

You are much more likely to find the time to be sexually intimate if you make an effort to keep up affectionate touch (non-sexual), sensual touch (cuddling, longer kisses, soothing touch), playful touch (sexual flirting, genital and non-genital touch), erotic touch (sexually stimulating touch), and intercourse. 

It is also important that each be valued and not treated always as stepping stones on the way to intercourse. Connecting through all kinds of touch and affection can go a long way to improving sex after baby. 

*Reference: The Five Dimensions of Touch: The Key to Bypassing Sexual Power Struggles by Barry McCarthy, Ph.D.

Sometimes, you may not be finding the time to have sex after baby because you’re actually feeling some feelings that need attention first from your spouse or partner.

There are so many normal feelings for new parents:  exhaustion, feeling cranky, missing each other, feeling overwhelmed, worries about the baby, body image concerns, feelings about returning to work or staying home, worries about finances, stress from hosting visitors or increased family interactions, etc. 

Parenting a child for the first time is also a very vulnerable experience for many people. You might find yourself wanting and needing more reassurance from your partner. This is normal. How you express those feelings and needs, however, can make a world of difference in whether your partner hears you making a bid for closeness or criticizing. 

If you find yourself arguing about sleep schedules, responsibilities, or sex, look below to discover all the feelings that might be there for you. Consider leading with the softest feeling you have. If this is difficult, a good Couples Counselor can help.

There can also be a lot of feelings about how sex may be different. That can run the gamut from the physical recovery from delivery or sleep deprivation, to a woman’s body being different, or even finding things that used to be sexually pleasurable aren't anymore.

Connect with your spouse or partner first emotionally. Talk about what it’s like to be parents of a baby. Talk about how your relationship is doing. Many times, feeling emotionally connected with our love leads to feeling sexual desire.

Most couples experience a dip in relationship satisfaction after the baby is born. This is normal. What leads to significant problems is not addressing the challenges and feelings that come with the adjustment to parenting. Avoiding these conversations and not working through the problems can get in the way of sex after baby. 

Couples can get stuck around the new division of labor, parenting philosophies and instincts, and the feelings and changes that come with a new baby. It may feel difficult to prioritize working on your feelings and the relationship when a baby needs so much, but it is incredibly important. 

Children, even as young as infants, can and do sense when there is strain in your relationship. The stronger and more secure your relationship is will encourage your child’s own secure attachment experiences. Couples counseling can provide the structure and, frankly, the time to focus on your relationship.

Most couples have to work harder to find ways to connect after a baby is born. There is less time, energy and freedom, at least for a little while. Don’t be discouraged, and don’t be concerned that your relationship is broken somehow. It’s not.

You will begin to adjust and find a new way of connecting. If you set an intention to stay as connected as possible and continue to work towards each other, you will find closeness and sexual intimacy again. 

If you feel like you are getting stuck as a couple and your interactions are becoming more negative, get some support with Couples Therapy.  Call us today at 303-513-8975 or schedule a Couples Counseling appointment to keep the love, closeness and intimacy in your relationship post-baby. 

Questions for the Couples Counselors:  “We’ve had a big fight. It feels awful and we’re concerned about our relationship. What should we do?” 

Here are four things we recommend you do to repair your relationship after a big fight. 

When you fight with your loved ones, your brain can pretty much short circuit. Threats to our most important relationships are coded in the brain like a danger cue, and the brain can automatically flip into fight or flight mode. In order to stop a fight from spiraling, your brains need help. 

One of the best ways to do this is to reach out to each other in soft, reassuring ways that communicate love and how much you means to each other. 

Saying "sorry" isn't enough. A heartfelt apology is great and certainly cannot hurt. However, an apology feels hollow or may fall flat if your partner is struggling with what can feel like a life or death question such as, “Do you still love me?” "Do you like me?"

If you are feeling so hurt or angry that it is difficult to be soft and reassuring, try saying both how angry you feel, but also how much you care about them. 

           Remember, feeling angry is not the same as acting aggressively. 

If you find that it is really uncomfortable for you to speak this way to your partner, I encourage you to consider some couples counseling to better understand your own relationship to feeling feelings and sharing them. 

If you were not taught to share emotions (or taught NOT to share them), counseling can go a long way in helping you understand those blocks inside and begin to find your way of opening up to your partner.

You may feel the trigger or triggers for the argument are clearly the fault of your partner. However, resist the urge to blame it all on them and be willing to own up to what you may have done to contribute.

One concept we've learned from the Girls Leadership Institute is the “Double Sorry.” This has been such an effective tool with our kids and their friends that we now use it with our friends and in our marriage. 

A Double Sorry (or Triple, or Quadruple) is when each person apologizes for what they did or didn’t do that contributed to the disagreement or upset.  

We can always find something we can offer to the person who means a lot to us, even if it is owning that we haven’t been as attentive to them as we want to be, or noticing all the good things they do. This act of generosity can go a long way to mend hurts.

Ask yourself, “What am I feeling on the inside that I’m not talking about?”  

When you are angry or critical, you often have other feelings inside, underneath or part of the anger that your partner is not seeing.  

Maybe you are also feeling a fear that your partner does not care about you.  Maybe you feel powerless to let your partner know that you care. If you typically shut down or withdraw, maybe you are feeling protective over the relationship because you fear the argument will damage or even end the relationship. 

We seldom feel just one feeling at a time. Yet, we often send messages in a huge argument of just anger, just  criticism, or just withdrawal. 

Underneath, however, there are often softer, more vulnerable feelings your partner REALLY needs to hear in the heat of an argument. Feelings like hurt, loneliness, fear of losing your partner, or longing for comfort or reassurance. 

When you can give your partner a more complete understanding of all of your feelings, including those softer ones, you are much more likely to get the response you want from your partner. 

Showing them anger, criticism or withdrawal alone will likely only give you more of a fight.  

Better yet, work on leading with those softer, more vulnerable feelings.  Many arguments can be avoided while strengthening the bond with our partner when we take a risk and lead with our heart by sharing things like:

                         “I need you. I get scared when I can’t find you or reach you.” 

Again, if this feels uncomfortable or awkward to you, get some support from a couples counselor. Or, find your own words or ways to send this message to your partner.

One silver lining to a huge fight is that it can provide the motivation and momentum necessary to overcome the inertia that sometimes happens when we are having problems in our relationship. 

It is human nature that we get stuck in ruts and return to our comfort zone of living like roommates who sometimes argue. The hurts and problems get swept under the carpet and we are back at square one, with the next fight festering under the surface.

Seeking out couples counseling to help you understand, talk about, and heal from your huge argument can be a turning point in your relationship. Riding the wave of the fight into couples counseling can lead to a closer, happier and more secure relationship in the end. 

Contact us today or schedule an appointment to get your relationship back on track or even stronger after the big fight. We offer counseling appointments in Greenwood Village in the heart of the Denver Tech Center. 303-513-8975.

One caveat to this post is if your argument turned physical for either or both partners. If you have experienced domestic violence in your relationship, please seek help at once from a qualified couples counselor trained in helping couples where there violence has occurred. If you are the Denver area, you can contact www.SafeHouse-Denver.org for emergency shelter or resources. Outside Denver, you can contact National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: www.ncadv.org.

As a Denver Couples Counselor, mom and wife, here are my top tips for being a good co-parent to your partner


1.        Listening, listen, then listen some more

It goes without saying that parenting is a very challenging job.   As parents, we are stretched to be more patient, creative, and focused on the needs of another person more than any other time of our lives.  At the same time, parenting can elicit strong feelings in us of frustration, anger, discouragement, anxiety, overwhelm, boredom, and even loneliness.  If we are grappling with those big feelings, we are less likely to respond in the patient, loving, playful and wise ways we always hoped we would as parents.  To be the kind of parents we really want to be, we need, above all else, unconditional love and support from our friends and family, and most especially, our partners.  The best form of this support is a loving, listening experience with our partners.  To be able to offload those feelings in an appropriate situation with our partners (instead of our kids), is a huge gift. 

2.        Just listen – don’t solve

When we’re upset and parenting feels overwhelming, we need each other for support.  When we hear advice in response, it can often feel like criticism or blame, even if not intended that way.  The most important thing we need to feel in those moments is that our partner is there for us, hears our fears and concerns, and will be with us to solve the concerns when the time is right. 

3.        Be open to admitting your own mistakes

When I turn to my husband to talk about a particularly difficult parenting experience, or we brainstorm about what our child is feeling or needing from us, or how we can best respond to a situation, it is so helpful if we both come to the conversation as equals.  When it is safe enough for us both to admit our mistakes, we can respond with empathy and understanding, rather than blame or criticism.  If I can admit, “I lost my temper and yelled at them,” and he can admit “I was really distracted and became impatient,” we are able to respond with love to each other rather than shaming or blaming.  We all make mistakes, especially in parenting.  Let me repeat, we all make mistakes as parents!

4.        Figure out the feelings underneath

Try to explore stuck parenting moments from the perspective of what’s underneath.  For example, if your children are fighting with each other and mean words come out or the argument turns physical, take the time with your partner to figure out what gets stirred up inside you.  For me, I was surprised to figure out my biggest fear or feeling was something like “a good Mom would have been able to stop this” or “This is broken, I have to stop or fix this,” quickly followed by “I have no idea how to stop or fix this. I am incompetent.”  Perhaps for others, there might be some feelings surfacing from childhood about what it means to be on the receiving end of the aggression from a sibling.  Or, maybe there are some feelings that have to do with our sibling getting all the attention, or being the favored one.  When we can put some words to what feelings get stirred up underneath with the supportive listening of our partner, we are much less likely to be blindsided and triggered by those feelings in the moment with our children.  We can then respond more calmly and attentively to the kids’ feelings.  

5.        Remember, you are on the same team

If we can come together openly and lovingly to discuss difficult parenting moments, we are putting ourselves on the same team.  If we attack, criticize or blame, we isolate ourselves, even if we’re “discussing” the situation with our partners. This isolation most likely results in being less effective and grounded the next time our children challenge us.  Also, children, and really all people, are naturally attachment-focused.  When there is distress in our primary relationships, especially between our parents, we all feel anxiety, but children feel it more acutely.  How do most children deal with the anxiety that all is not well at home? By acting out!  The situation is typically too complex and too distressing for kids to be able to calmly articulate things like, “I get worried when you and daddy argue.”  So, we shoot ourselves in the foot by getting more misbehavior from the kids if we aren’t aligned as parents. The more connected and in-tune we are with each other as parents, the more relaxed, happy and cooperative our children will be. 

Call 303-513-8975 today, sign up for our mailing list, or make an appointment.  You can become strong partners in parenting, which results in raising great kids who are a joy to parent.  

Would your partner’s feelings surprising you?

All the time, I hear my couple’s counseling clients say things like:

“He won’t want to hear about my feelings.”

“She already knows how much I love her.”

“He is angry with me all the time. I can tell by the way he looks at me.”

“She will never be satisfied with me. She would rather be with someone else.”

When we are in a relationship, we sometimes believe we know all there is to know about our partner’s their feelings and inner experiences. With this assumption, we in turn respond to those “known” qualities about our partner, our relationship, and our partner’s feelings in the relationship. 

I have to wonder, though, how often are we getting it wrong?

How many times have you had an experience where you had multiple, sometimes competing feelings come up? How many times have you had a situation in your relationship where it took you a while to figure out all of your feelings? That one happens to me all the time, and I’m a therapist! How many times have you had vulnerable feelings underneath that you kept hidden because they felt too risky to share with your partner?

Take, for example, a couple disagreeing about how often they want to have sex. On the surface, the disagreement is simple: he wants more, she wants less.  This is a common reason people seek the help of a couple’s counselor.

He perceives she isn’t interested and that she feels obligated to have sex. He withdraws from her because he fears her rejection. On the surface, he is either withdrawn or irritated because he works really hard to make her happy and he feels like this is the one thing that is really important to him, and she doesn’t want to do it. Underneath, he is also feeling really lonely, and very much wants to know that she chooses him, that he matters to her. 

She, on the other hand, feels like he only comes to be close to her in order to have sex. She feels used and gets angry at herself for putting herself in that situation. Underneath, she fears he doesn’t really love her, and it scares her. She tests him all the time to see how much he loves her by assigning him a “honey do” list. If he does it, he loves her. If he doesn’t, it must mean he only stays with her for sex. 

We could pick a hundred different topics like this one over which couples argue. On the surface, we may show one or two feelings. Often, though, those can be fleeting and conflicting (ex: irritated and flirty). Below the surface, we can have a whole soup of emotions happening, some of them which could be very surprising and very important to our partner.

I like to think of people like mysterious onions. We have layers, nuances, waves, and mixtures of emotion. We think we know what our partner is feeling, but I believe we very often get it wrong. We may even think we know what we’re feeling one the inside, only to discover surprising feelings that were there, but hidden. 

Couples get into trouble in their relationship when they operate off of assumptions about those feelings, or in basing their response on a thin slice of emotion they perceive in the midst of an argument. 

Take, for example, this fascinating article about the current research around facial expression recognition.  http://www.bostonmagazine.com/news/article/2013/06/25/emotions-facial-expressions-not-related/

For nearly fifty years, the fields of psychology and criminology have been following the assumptions in Paul Ekman’s research on the universality of the facial expressions of emotions. He showed photographs of emotions (fear, anger, sadness, etc.) and then gave the study participants from all over the world a list of emotions from which to choose. His claim was that because people would universally assign the same emotion to the same photograph, we must all perceive emotion from facial expressions the same. 

However, Lisa Barrett’s newer research shows that without that list of emotions, the “universality” of accurately and consistently assigning emotion to facial expression begins to fall apart. If we aren’t told what the possible emotions are in those faces, we interpret emotion differently.

When was the last time your partner handed you a list of all feelings she/he was having on the inside?  

We’ve learned that in our most intimate relationships, the stakes are so high. If we lose this person we love, we would be devastated. In response, we often hide some of our most important and profound feelings about our partners out of fear – fear of rejection, fear they won’t care, fear they won’t respond, etc.

Going back to the example of the couple who disagrees about sex, we can see that underneath, there are really important emotions happening that could offer significant reassurance to both people. In Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, we work to help couples begin to peel back the layers of their emotional onions. We help couples begin to share those feelings and have a deeper connection than they may have ever had. We also help couples figure out what gets in the way of sharing more deeply (all those fears, usually) and then talk to each other about those. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy has a well established body of research demonstrating that couples can and do repair the disconnection in their relationships and develop a more secure, close and loving bond. 

Call for a couple’s counseling appointment today to begin learning all the surprises your partner has in store for you. 303-513-8975.

http://www.iceeft.com/images/PDFs/EFTResearch.pdf

An affair can be an enormous blow to a relationship. Both partners can experience a range of emotions and symptoms such as flashbacks, anger, anxiety, depression, profound hurt, and loss or grieving of the relationship they once knew. 

In spite of the tremendous impact an affair can have, studies have shown that the majority of couples can recover from affairs and even go on to experience more closeness and satisfaction in their relationships.  Anecdotally, I have had couples tell me that though they would never again choose the path of an affair, the process of seeking couples counseling to recover from the affair brought them closer and improved the quality of their relationship.

Many factors can impact the recovery rates from affairs, such as:
-The quality of the relationship before the affair 
-The commitment to doing the work required to repair the relationship
-The patience and commitment of the betraying partner to help the betrayed partner through the healing process at the pace the betrayed partner needs
-The willingness of each partner to carefully understand and work through the factors that led to the affair
-A commitment to creating a relationship in which partners are turning to each other with needs, fears, and desires and consistently working through blocks to that sharing and mutual support .

The work of recovering from an affair is hard.  In my experience, despite its challenges, affair recovery counseling can lead to a relationship with your spouse or partner that is much deeper, more intimate and stronger than ever.  You can get through this affair, and I am here to help.  Call today at 303-513-8975 or use my online scheduler.

Couples researcher John Gottman found that it takes the average couple 6 years to get into therapy from the time that they first began having concerns.  To me, that seems a really long time to suffer and feel alone in a relationship.  More importantly, is it possible to wait too long for couples therapy and pass a point of no return?

I believe the answer is yes.  Gottman has described traits of relationships that indicate they are in serious trouble.  He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  These traits may occur sporadically in most relationships and do not, on their own, indicate a failing relationship.  But, when they begin to persist and occur more frequently, relationship quality suffers. 

Gottman's research shows that contempt, in particular, is highly indicative of likely divorce or breakup.  When we have waited to long to get help, and our hurt feelings have festered, we can fall into a pattern of contempt.  When there is contempt, partners are also less likely to believe their partner cares about them. 

Sue Johnson's research on Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy indicates that a partner's belief (particularly the female partner) that the other person cares about them indicates a higher likelihood that therapy will be successful.  If we can agree to get help and do it before contempt sets in and before we lose hope that our partners care about us, we are much more likely to succeed in couples therapy.

If your partner is hesitant, one way to couch the idea of counseling could be to tell them that you see couples counseling as a way to enhance your relationship, or even as a form of "insurance" for a good relationship.  Call us today at 303-513-8975 or schedule online to get your relationship back on track before things get ugly and your hear those horsemen coming.