Helping Couples Improve their Communication
Is communication a struggle?
“We can’t communicate without arguing.”
We fight about the same things over and over."
"We get into huge fights that start out as a disagreement about nothing!"
“We don’t talk like we used to. We used to share everything”
“I’m not great at communicating with my partner.”
We fight about the same things over and over."
"We get into huge fights that start out as a disagreement about nothing!"
“We don’t talk like we used to. We used to share everything”
“I’m not great at communicating with my partner.”
Effective couples communication counseling. Stop arguing, feel heard, and grow closer.
Start improving your communication today!
You're probably on our site because you're feeling very frustrated or concerned about your relationship. You've probably tried lots of ways to get out of the cycles of arguments, or to communicate your wants and needs effectively. As couples therapy specialists, we are here to help.
Using cutting-edge couples communication tools, we will help you:
1. Identify how and why your communication isn't working
2. Help you talk about important feelings, difficult topics or experiences in productive ways
3. Help you learn by experiencing and creating a deep and secure connection with your partner
4. Heal your relationship so that you can stand strong together against whatever life throws your way
You're probably on our site because you're feeling very frustrated or concerned about your relationship. You've probably tried lots of ways to get out of the cycles of arguments, or to communicate your wants and needs effectively. As couples therapy specialists, we are here to help.
Using cutting-edge couples communication tools, we will help you:
1. Identify how and why your communication isn't working
2. Help you talk about important feelings, difficult topics or experiences in productive ways
3. Help you learn by experiencing and creating a deep and secure connection with your partner
4. Heal your relationship so that you can stand strong together against whatever life throws your way
Call us today at 303-513-8975 to get started.
Or, schedule a time now using our convenient scheduling system.
Or, schedule a time now using our convenient scheduling system.
Here's HOW We'll Help With Your Communication Difficulties
When we provide couples counseling, we want to fully understand what is happening with a couple’s communication. Here are the questions we'll have for you in couples therapy with us:
When we provide couples counseling, we want to fully understand what is happening with a couple’s communication. Here are the questions we'll have for you in couples therapy with us:
1. What is the pattern when you argue or aren't communicating?
This is now our common enemy. We'll fight it with you as a team.
Many couples repeat patterns in their moments of disconnection or distress. To improve communication in your relationship, we will discover the negative pattern causing conflict and disconnection. The most common of these negative patterns is pursuit and withdrawal, or “The Protest Polka” as Dr. Sue Johnson calls it in her bestselling book for couples, Hold Me Tight.
The pursue-withdraw cycle looks something like this:
Becky feels distant from her partner, John. She tries several ways to get John's attention, but doesn't seem to be getting the response she desires. Becky really begins to feel concerned about not reaching John, and her anxiety causes her to begin turning up the volume in anger or criticism in her attempts to connect with him.
John experiences Becky’s attempts as criticism and starts to be concerned about an argument erupting. John may also start to feel discouraged that he’ll never be able to make Becky happy. He begins to pull away, gets quiet, or numbs out his emotions because he feels discouraged or doesn't want to risk a damaging argument. John may begin to feel angry too that he tries hard, but never seems to please Becky.
John's silence, withdrawal or numbing sets off more alarm bells for Becky, and she may begin to protest even more. The more Becky protests, the further away John may go. The louder or more critical Becky’s protests get, the more John pulls away out of self-protection, argument avoidance, or discouragement. This pattern can repeat many, many times over years. This most common of the negative cycles also frequently occurs in same-sex couples, and is not necessarily gender specific in terms of typical role.
All negative cycles are related to attempts for partners to achieve some kind of closeness or comfort from the other, but finding themselves feeling disconnected, discouraged, and possibly scared and hurt instead. The great news is that Emotionally Focused Couples therapists help couples to understand their particular pattern and then help couples tackle the common enemy together.
In couples counseling, we’ll also look at what partners do in their negative cycle, and how it impacts the partner. This may include identifying and seeing the underlying reasons for behaviors like yelling, name calling, defensiveness, criticism, silence, refusal to talk, tit for tat and blaming.
The pursue-withdraw cycle looks something like this:
Becky feels distant from her partner, John. She tries several ways to get John's attention, but doesn't seem to be getting the response she desires. Becky really begins to feel concerned about not reaching John, and her anxiety causes her to begin turning up the volume in anger or criticism in her attempts to connect with him.
John experiences Becky’s attempts as criticism and starts to be concerned about an argument erupting. John may also start to feel discouraged that he’ll never be able to make Becky happy. He begins to pull away, gets quiet, or numbs out his emotions because he feels discouraged or doesn't want to risk a damaging argument. John may begin to feel angry too that he tries hard, but never seems to please Becky.
John's silence, withdrawal or numbing sets off more alarm bells for Becky, and she may begin to protest even more. The more Becky protests, the further away John may go. The louder or more critical Becky’s protests get, the more John pulls away out of self-protection, argument avoidance, or discouragement. This pattern can repeat many, many times over years. This most common of the negative cycles also frequently occurs in same-sex couples, and is not necessarily gender specific in terms of typical role.
All negative cycles are related to attempts for partners to achieve some kind of closeness or comfort from the other, but finding themselves feeling disconnected, discouraged, and possibly scared and hurt instead. The great news is that Emotionally Focused Couples therapists help couples to understand their particular pattern and then help couples tackle the common enemy together.
In couples counseling, we’ll also look at what partners do in their negative cycle, and how it impacts the partner. This may include identifying and seeing the underlying reasons for behaviors like yelling, name calling, defensiveness, criticism, silence, refusal to talk, tit for tat and blaming.
2. What is being communicated underneath?
All triggers for arguments and negative cycles typically have emotions underneath that a partner is unaware of, not sharing for some reason. Or, they are sharing, but in a confusing manner like pairing it with anger (scared feelings expressed in an angry way, for example). In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, we focus on accessing the emotion underneath and help couples bring that emotion to the surface and share in a way that their partner can actually hear and respond.
Many arguments have at least two layers to them – what is being discussed with the words (household chores, for example), and what is being communicated with emotion through tone, body language, etc. (anger, criticism, disconnection, fear, or hurt). By focusing on the deeper emotion underneath and slowing things down, we uncover that so much is being communicated in the blink of an eye. This mixture of content vs. process and the layers and nuances of our emotion lead to couples struggling to communicate when so much is being said so quickly, indirectly and reactively.
An EFT couple’s therapy session typically includes surprises or new information, deeper understandings, and very different perceptions of what is happening for their partner. This understanding along with practice of connecting in these new ways leads to softer, more empathetic and ultimately healthier ways of communicating and stronger, more satisfying bonds for couples.
Many arguments have at least two layers to them – what is being discussed with the words (household chores, for example), and what is being communicated with emotion through tone, body language, etc. (anger, criticism, disconnection, fear, or hurt). By focusing on the deeper emotion underneath and slowing things down, we uncover that so much is being communicated in the blink of an eye. This mixture of content vs. process and the layers and nuances of our emotion lead to couples struggling to communicate when so much is being said so quickly, indirectly and reactively.
An EFT couple’s therapy session typically includes surprises or new information, deeper understandings, and very different perceptions of what is happening for their partner. This understanding along with practice of connecting in these new ways leads to softer, more empathetic and ultimately healthier ways of communicating and stronger, more satisfying bonds for couples.
3. What do you perceive your partner is communicating to you when you argue? What does your partner perceive about you?
A big part of what happens when a couple is getting caught in a negative communication pattern is that each person naturally ascribes meaning to what their partner does or doesn't do, or says or doesn't say. When there are also underlying feelings that a partner doesn't see or hear about, the opportunity for perceptions that feel destabilizing to the relationship are huge.
We often don’t see that our partner is sad that we get into fights and that the relationship means a great deal to them. It is understandable then that we might conclude from critical comments that our partner doesn't love us. Couples often perceive from their partner important messages about whether they are loved, the partner's level of commitment to the relationship, or how much they matter to their partner. When we can bring those perceptions to the surface and describe them, it helps our partners to understand and ultimately respond more empathically to us because they now know how they impact us.
We often don’t see that our partner is sad that we get into fights and that the relationship means a great deal to them. It is understandable then that we might conclude from critical comments that our partner doesn't love us. Couples often perceive from their partner important messages about whether they are loved, the partner's level of commitment to the relationship, or how much they matter to their partner. When we can bring those perceptions to the surface and describe them, it helps our partners to understand and ultimately respond more empathically to us because they now know how they impact us.
4. What is the attachment significance of the things partners say and do in their negative cycle?
Emotionally Focused Therapy is research-based, attachment approach to helping couples. Attachment theorists know that we, as social mammals, are hard-wired to want and strive for close and secure bonds with the most important people in our lives from infancy to our death. EFT validates, supports and normalizes this genetically encoded instinct to connect and attach.
What we seek to do in EFT couples counseling is to understand what the attachment significance is in someone’s behavior. An EFT therapist normalizes and validates our feelings and actions, rather than pathologizes and blames. At the same time, I will help you see how those actions get you stuck. We will look at the things each partner does or says and understand as a team that those behaviors may be perpetuating or exacerbating the negative cycle. We will work on ways to share your feelings that lead to reaching, connecting or healing with your partner.
For example, I might help Becky see that her criticism sends an inadvertent message to John that she doesn’t think he’s good enough. For John, I might help him see that although he may withdraw from her to avoid an argument, what happens in fact is that it scares her even more, and destabilizes the relationship in the end. Becky and John will both begin to practice sharing their experience and feelings with each other in ways that their partner can hear and respond to.
Sounds great - how do we get started?
If you and your partner struggle in the communication department, call 303-513-8975, email or schedule an appointment with one of our couples therapists today! Evening and daytime appointments are available.
What we seek to do in EFT couples counseling is to understand what the attachment significance is in someone’s behavior. An EFT therapist normalizes and validates our feelings and actions, rather than pathologizes and blames. At the same time, I will help you see how those actions get you stuck. We will look at the things each partner does or says and understand as a team that those behaviors may be perpetuating or exacerbating the negative cycle. We will work on ways to share your feelings that lead to reaching, connecting or healing with your partner.
For example, I might help Becky see that her criticism sends an inadvertent message to John that she doesn’t think he’s good enough. For John, I might help him see that although he may withdraw from her to avoid an argument, what happens in fact is that it scares her even more, and destabilizes the relationship in the end. Becky and John will both begin to practice sharing their experience and feelings with each other in ways that their partner can hear and respond to.
Sounds great - how do we get started?
If you and your partner struggle in the communication department, call 303-513-8975, email or schedule an appointment with one of our couples therapists today! Evening and daytime appointments are available.
Greenwood Village Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy:
7000 E Belleview Ave #350
Greenwood Village, CO 80111
303-513-8975
7000 E Belleview Ave #350
Greenwood Village, CO 80111
303-513-8975
